Competing with MYSELF

I am an expert.
Expert in beating myself up.
I didn't really realize it until someone pointed it out to me.
And so, I confess -- I beat myself a lot. Not because I consider myself stupid or weak.
But the opposite. I consider myself VERY smart and capable.
And that I am not ready to confess to anyone. I guess I was brought up to think I am smarter than others, braver than others, creative than others, etc. My parents were just crazy like that.
I bet they think the same of themselves -- so ofcourse they can't have a child not like them.

I am not competitive. Or so I thought.
But because I think myself smarter -- I became competitive.
Not very healthy. It made me anxious, depressed and not a good person.
So I decided, instead of comparing myself with others -- I compete with myself.
And who am I kidding!?

There is no problem at work.
I am doing fine - according to my standards.
I am doing great - according to others.
But being in a team, where all of you get graded and evaluated is a nerve wreck waiting to happen for someone like me. The I need to be on the top eventually turns to I need to stay on the top.

I decided I cannot slow down.
I like to perform really well -- whether I end up on top or not.
I just have to put in my wee brain that doing my very best is what counts.
I will feel stressed but not working hard will make me feel the same, might as well throw in my best shot.

I guess I need to work smarter than harder.
Let's see where things go from there.