Competing with MYSELF

I am an expert.
Expert in beating myself up.
I didn't really realize it until someone pointed it out to me.
And so, I confess -- I beat myself a lot. Not because I consider myself stupid or weak.
But the opposite. I consider myself VERY smart and capable.
And that I am not ready to confess to anyone. I guess I was brought up to think I am smarter than others, braver than others, creative than others, etc. My parents were just crazy like that.
I bet they think the same of themselves -- so ofcourse they can't have a child not like them.

I am not competitive. Or so I thought.
But because I think myself smarter -- I became competitive.
Not very healthy. It made me anxious, depressed and not a good person.
So I decided, instead of comparing myself with others -- I compete with myself.
And who am I kidding!?

There is no problem at work.
I am doing fine - according to my standards.
I am doing great - according to others.
But being in a team, where all of you get graded and evaluated is a nerve wreck waiting to happen for someone like me. The I need to be on the top eventually turns to I need to stay on the top.

I decided I cannot slow down.
I like to perform really well -- whether I end up on top or not.
I just have to put in my wee brain that doing my very best is what counts.
I will feel stressed but not working hard will make me feel the same, might as well throw in my best shot.

I guess I need to work smarter than harder.
Let's see where things go from there.

AMOR

I have been crashed and burned so bad once upon a time and the sad experience totally changed me. I still have scars to prove it and a name I have yet to legally dis-attach myself with.

After the soul searching, self learning, season's changing, I landed in the arms of a stranger in a strange land. And from there a long distance relationship started. There were ups and downs, confusion and doubts until we finally settled comfortably in this sweet, calm place where we are. I can't believe I can be this happy. But like anyone else who have been hurt, I still believe in the reality of break ups and that there may not be a "Forever", but being also an optimist -- if both will work on "Forever" then there's hope and besides, why worry when you can enjoy NOW. So after 3 years of LDR we finally reunited, I welcomed him with open arms, sweet kisses and planned adventures. Join me in revisiting our adventure in great places we visited around the country, and please bear with my mushy thoughts and captions form time to time..

the beautiful island - both OUR first!

serene and refreshing

what are u looking at bebe?

that water..

candid shot

best seats ever!

and there we are!

wow view from above

the snorklers..

one of the best sunset moments

LUCKY HAPPY

Its been two months or so since I left my old job and jumped into this new one.
I only have one word for it! HAPPINESS!

The job isn`t too easy to be boring but not too demanding to be stressful. I look at what I am doing now as puzzle pieces that I have to put together and I am liking it.

In college, my favorite moment was doing research, I love going to libraries and finding out things, there is the internet already then.. but i dont remember google :p so at the end it was still better to look up things from printed materials. And so imagine my own disbelief, I can`t believe my lucky stars because I am now a researcher, using the Japanese language no less!

This was my dream job and i forgot about it. During my college days, there is no such job or profession that I know of that equals to that of a data researcher. And now here I am working in an american financial data research company. I am well compensated, working in a great facility with more than enough employee perks and benefits. I am just so lucky. And i will never let myself forget it!

I hope to hone my researching skill more and deliver what is expected of me. I have started to climb up the ladder of expectation and this girl aims to exceed that expectation!

Gratitude

Someone is having a CAREER change!
someone has finally gathered up courage to start anew.
A new skill, maybe, a skill to be further honed, surely!


Courage is a big word she believes in,
the real meaning she finally learned
when she decided to stepped out of her comfort zone..
Hopeful is another word she relies on.
no sense in worrying now, all she need to do
is to charge on!

Experiences of all sorts is her armor,
random achievements can be a reliable bullet to use,
having new people around will be an excitement
making new friends,building relationships
improving her personality, these are her new reality.

She will not burn bridges,
she learned a lot from her past
even the bad things made her better
how can she be angry if  it made her the actual winner.

Doing something for so long
feeling unappreciated and small
how can one be inspired, be motivated?
I came from a leader that practices what she preaches..
And ended up having a supposed leader that doesnt know how to lead.  It was difficult, it was saddening.

She is leaving the past where it should be
welcoming the future with more energy
smiling for the adventure ahead
feeling peaceful for the decision she made.


She was never calm and collected
She can pretend, but she was never one who takes
things quietly.
But she did endure, letting things settle
And when the time finally came for her to Go!
She waved goodbye with a happy smile it ended.

She asks for the universe`s help
it was answered with more than
what she prayed for.
She is sooo much grateful
humbled herself  and prepares to
step up to a new role.

She sees beautiful colors ahead
a very bright future
something everyone wishes for,
but only a few risk changing for.

What to write?

What to write?
I have always loved expressing myself through writing..
I write poems, essays about what is troubling me --- well, that's IT!
I only get an itch to write when I am troubled :(
Well "To each it's own motivation to write" :p

I am working in this organization for almost ... let's see.. counting, minus...
well, what do you know! Fifteen years! The first 10 years are Happy times.
And everything went downhill.

I am very unhappy with my work now -- well since I returned from a 6 month training stint abroad.
I try to work as usual -- actually I think am more productive now than before.. being in charge of a project is awesome shit! Am cursing and in awed at the same time, not necessarily Happy, mind you.  People who supervises me are not exactly great motivators or even a fan of my work.  So imagine me, doing all I can possibly do and getting pokered- face most of the time.

Maybe it's my personality.  I am a Libra, a Dragon in Chinese horoscope - a lethal combination. And it matters? Hell yeah! We are not passive individuals, we are show offs and very out spoken. And having to restrain myself to be Me so I won't come out as a pompous ass or  be bossy and opinionated is just gonna KILL ME! actually killing me inside...

I can't leave my job. Not until next year.
I am tied to work here until next year... in the mean time, what to do?
Scout for other jobs... study and pass the coveted Test.... take things one day at a time....

I am trying to be positive. Thinking the Universe is going to pull all the positive shits and throw them all at me :)  After fifteen years, what do I have to offer as a working individual?

I am not sure actually....
But you know...reading these motivate me to go beyond my comfort zone.

 

   

Control Freak.. LET GO!!

I realized quite late in the game that I am a Control freak.
In relationships, whether friendship or romantic.
At work, regardless if its trivial task or not.

What a way to get stressed out all the time! And the funny thing is that, It didn`t even crossed my wee brain that am trying to control too much already.

That was before...I have finally learned to LET GO!  Well, to a  certain extent :p
I try to step back and calm myself when something inside me quivers to take control, control, control!

I still get fanatic with ideas, followed it through... but now I try to let things unfold, especially if I have done all that is necessary to be done.

What makes you STOP and take that SHOT?

In this age of smart phones with cool camera and applications..

anyone and everyone can be a photographer :)

Most use their phone-cam for "selfies" (am guilty too), capturing moments with friends, families and pets. But others make use of this cool gadget to satisfy the creative, artistic side of their being.

Lately, for me -- I found a lot of interesting angles and scenes that turns into inspirations or motivations just walking in the busy street. I cannot help but take out my phone and stop to capture that moment, that image!

Walking to work.. interesting, beautiful trees greet me most mornings :)

  

The beauty of the night with its colorful lights flashing gaily, captured my eyes.

  

The eye catching interiors of an establishment builds up an ambiance, stimulating and engaging their patrons` curious eyes.

                         

There a LOT of other things I could have posted here with all the shots I have taken with the trusted Phone-Cam, but then again it`s best to save some for later posts :p

I hope you get to make use of your shots too! The  world wide web will definitely save it for us for all eternity.. hahaha!